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NOTES FROM A KEEPER
 The Umberto Eco Ups and Danny La Rue Downs of Life as a Keeper Leaguer
by Michael E Lawrence
27/11/2007
I begin to wonder if any parachute can save us now.
It has all gone disastrously wrong, and the Prophets are in a freefall I’m helpless to prevent.
I am like Steve McClaren, fenced in and pacing on the sidelines, red cheeked and disbelieving as my nightmare becomes reality, the increasing width of my desperate eyes giving me away.
Like McClaren, we’re on the verge of snatching elimination from the jaws of qualification.
We have lost two straight, when one win is all it would have taken. We are 6-6, and one more loss will do us in for good.
Worse still, we have stopped scoring, and where once the Prophets were a points juggernaut, albeit an unlucky one, now we are a floundering jalopy, stalling and backfiring our way to every last pitiful yardage-bonus we can get our treads on.
Where did all the touchdowns go?
Not to Holybourne, that’s for sure, as Wes, LenDale, Chris Henry, Lee Evans, and Steve Smith turned a 36-20 post Thanksgiving Day lead into a pathetic, punchless 73-44 loss.
Not one of them found the end zone.
***
I find Romo seated in silence, lights off.
He has a cap in has hands, peak turned towards him. It reads ‘Holybourne Prophets, Playoffs 2007’.
You weren’t supposed to find those, I say.
But Romo has stumbled across a box’s worth of pre-emptive, presumptive apparel, ordered and printed two weeks before, when the post-season was all but certain.
The gallon of Gatorade I also ordered is threatening redundancy too. I figured the boys would want something to pour over me in celebration, after all.
W-will we make it boss? he asks.
We’re not dead yet Tony, says I, painfully holding an optimistic smile until my jaws hurt.
Win and we’re in, I add, half rictus, acutely aware of the physiological similarities between a smile and a death grin.
***
The Bengals’ Chris Henry was a late season addition to the Prophets, picked up on waivers when no one was looking, when he was still banned from playing in the first half of the NFL season.
He has arrived on the Holybourne scene like Bill Sykes entering a wine bar.
In the last week, I have had to make him apologise to our equipment staff, wake up during film sessions, and return Ted Ginn’s lunch money.
I enter my office to find him giving Wes Welker a wedgie.
Put him down Henry for God’s sake! I bark, as Welker wrestles free and runs away knock-kneed and red-eyed.
What the hell is wrong with you? I demand.
Lack of paternal guidance and a longstanding mother complex, he deadpans, citing Freud.
He is surprisingly well read. Better than Jung, I suppose.
But this is his curse supremely talented, smart even, to the point of persistent, paralyzing boredom. It’s then that he starts to make trouble.
If we can motivate him, he can win games for us, because he’s one of the few every-week multiple-touchdown threats we have with Ronnie Brown injured and Steve Smith drowned by atrocious quarterback play in Carolina.
If we can’t, he’ll entertain himself by drawing phallic images on backup Kurt Warner’s forehead while he’s napping.
Again.
C’mon Chris, says I, making my customary change down into the first person, we’ve given you a shot here no one else wanted to touch you when we picked you up.
Listen you’re gonna start next week, and if you don’t score, we probably don’t win. Do you understand? We need you to perform.
He stays quiet, and I hope he’s at least considering putting the team first.
Just think about it, I say, rounding the table to my chair.
As I lower myself onto it, I am stunned by an almighty raspberry of a noise beneath me.
I have sat on a whoopee cushion, and don’t need to ask who put it there.
Henry bursts into paroxysms of laughter and sprints from the room, shouting in glee: Hey Welker, coming ready or not little man!
I hear a second pair of terrified footsteps start up in the corridor outside.
My forehead hits my hands, and that, for the time being, is where it stays.
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Notes From A Keeper November 15th Darth Fader, Goliath, The Haters!
Notes From A Keeper November 6th Fireworks Night
Notes From A Keeper October 22nd A New Hope
Notes From A Keeper October 15th The Smurfs
Notes From A Keeper October 10th Potential
Notes From A Keeper September 30th Prophets vs Jets
Notes From A Keeper September 10th Season Opener
Notes From A Keeper September 1st QB or Not To QB
Notes From A Keeper August 10th Draft Day
Notes From A Keeper July 13th Draft Strategy
Notes From A Keeper June 17th Cutdown
Notes From A Keeper May 20th Off Season
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