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NOTES FROM A KEEPER
 THE UNPALATABLE UPS AND DIARRHOETIC DOWNS OF LIFE AS FANTASY KEEPER LEAGUER
by Michael E Lawrence
17/6/2007
It’s cutdown.
Come June 30th, my terror team, my fearless fifteen, must be pared down to eight. I, as general manager creator, sustainer, occasional caterer must turn plastic surgeon, and slice away unwanted folds.
Sagging veterans and unsightly projects alike must go. In their place, a brand new chiselled game face for the Holybourne ProphetsHolybournH.
Two weeks away from that fateful deadline then, and I am sat pensively at my desk opposite Prophets’ running back Lendale White, measuring my words.
He looks worried.
And with good reason.
Lenny, says I, thinking familarity might soften the blow. Len. Listen. I’m thinking about trading you.
The room falls silent. Somewhere in the beyond a hound howls at the moon. And then I see a tear form on his cheek.
Only it isn’t a tear. It’s oily.
Lendale, what’s that on your face? I ask.
Oop, he says, looking sheepish, wiping it off, tasting a finger, smacking his lips, ranch dressing.
He’s been snacking again.
With Lendale, there’s the rub (or grub). Even with all the talent in the world, the man just doesn’t want it, doesn’t want success, as much as he wants a 6 inch sub with extra swiss.
If poster boy overachievers of yore like Wayne Chrebet or Bernie Kosar had only posessed some semblance of his physical skills, they wouldn’t have had enough fingers between them for all the Super Bowl rings.
Thing is, I’ve only been back from Philadelphia two days. Following a friend’s wedding, my sibling and I spent the week tooling around the city of brotherly love catching Phillies games live and watching the NBA conference finals on the tube.
But in every hostelry, during every half-time segment, there on the screen behind the bar was Lendale grinning in supersized, mugshot glory, alongside captions like White absent from Titan’s OTAs or Titans back AWOL or you drafted him in last year’s first round why?
But Coach, come on, says Len , who you gonna start instead of me?
The answer, if I have anything to do with it (and I do) will be Travis Henry, who’s suddenly available in a trade.
Henry. A bowling ball. A proven commodity. A Denver Bronco. Have you seen the way those boys chop sorry, zone block? He’ll score a dozen touchdowns quicker than Lendale engulfs a choc ice. Which is pretty quick, judging by my raided freezer.
But then a thought hits me didn’t the Titans let Henry go in part because of this guy? Didn’t they ultimately whiff on Henry because they thought they had something in Lendale?
I mean, who’s going to get the red zone touchdowns in Tennessee? Chris Henry? Chris Brown? Chris Rabbit?
Not likely.
Back in the office, ready to make the trade with the Berkshire Exeters, my hand, reaching for the phone, pauses above it. And I think to myself, but, one more day with Lendale on board can’t hurt, can it?
He’s got all that talent. He scored all those touchdowns at USC. Maybe the light will go on. He might still turn it around.
Outside, the hound howls again.
*********
The other Prophets receiving not only P45s but, since we’re a quality organisation that values our players, not inexpensive decorative mugs, are Heath Miller, Robbie Gould, Alex Smith, and LJ Smith. Andre Johnson, Jerious Norwood and Lamont Jordan were already traded away earlier in the off-season.
On his way out I collar LJ, who’s been a gallant role player and, as it happens, is in a contract year this coming season, which always means decent fantasy returns.
Hey, LJ, I say, listen, no need to clear everything out of your locker. You never know where you might end up this year.
Smith looks like great value to me in the mid rounds of the coming draft, and if I have to reach a little to get him back, dagnabbit I will.
He gets the message, and with a nod decides against peeling his gaffer-taped name plate from the locker door.
Yeah Coach, he says conspiratorially, I guess you never do.
And anyway, I’ve had my eye on the Jackson Five CD he’s got in there for quite some time now.
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Notes From A Keeper May 20th Off Season
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