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New coach Carroll to stick with Hasselbeck at QB
Qwest Field available for hire every January moving forward
filed by Michael E Lawrence
16/1/2010
Newly employed head of football operations Pete Carroll has given incumbent Matt Hasselbeck his full support as the Seattle Seahawks’ starting quarterback.
The longtime USC mastermind made no bones about the identity of his offensive centrepiece just hours after his hire, pledging: “Matty is my guy.”
Insiders report Carroll was not known to be taking any kind of confusion-inducing medication at the time.
“Listen, Matt’s a top notch quarterback in this league,” continued Carroll, “and I have every confidence in him leading the Seattle Seahawks to where they need to be. I mean, the guy threw for 4,500 yards and 33 TDs this season.”
When Carroll was duly informed that, in fact, those were Peyton Manning’s numbers and that Hasselbeck had mustered only 3,029 and 17 touchdowns, he was typically resilient:
“I see. But he was the league MVP, right?”
Advised that wasn’t the case either, he responded with typical good humour:
“That was Manning too? And he definitely doesn’t play for Seattle? Oh man, the wife is gonna be pissed when she hears this,” quipped the coach before excusing himself with chest pains.
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Fletcher snubbed for Pro Bowl again
Linebacker more inconspicuous than tinsel on a tree
filed by Michael E Lawrence
3/1/2010
Redskins’ middle linebacker London Fletcher has spoken out against the Pro Bowl voting system after yet another snub by balloters.
It’s not known exactly what Fletcher said, since all available reporters were at a press conference for Brian Orakpo instead.
“Yeah, bit of a snafu on that front,” noted new general manager Bruce Allen, “London was real peeved about it I understand. At least, I’m pretty sure that was London. The tall guy with the dreads right?”
Fletcher has recorded 1,236 tackles across a stellar 12-year career, but has been a Pro Bowl alternate eight times. It is thought he spends his free time collecting postal stamps and watching DVD box sets of popular 80s daytime crime drama Quincy.
Orakpo interrupted his own press conference from which security staff had to turn away dozens after it was over-subscribed to comment: “It’s not fair for Fletcher if I could trade it man, I’d give my spot to him any day.”
He finished off by giving in to demands to perform his acclaimed party trick of dancing his pectoral muscles to In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins.
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Romo’s Cowboys shock America, win December game
But unlikely upset of Saints portends end of time, warn prognosticators
filed by Michael E Lawrence
20/12/2009
Tony Romo and the Cowboys’ surprise defeat of the previously unbeaten New Orleans Saints Saturday may spark a chain reaction of chaotic events that prompt the demise of the known universe, said concerned pundits Sunday morning.
Analysts argue that Dallas’s December win was so unprecedented that the reverberations may yet be felt on a catastrophically cosmic scale. The team owns a 19-41 record in December games since 1997 and had been 1-5 over the last two seasons going into Saturday’s must-win game.
“When Dallas win in December,” explained Harvard-based quantum physicist Gregory Engelsperger, “you question how much longer the laws that bind the universe together can hold. Basically, the scientific community is arguing that if the Cowboys can beat the Saints on the road in the last month of 2009, Armageddon can’t feasibly be far off.”
“It’s a real bummer,” noted Cowboys hero Tony Romo, who threw for 312 yards and one touchdown. “I just made my last payment on a real nice condo down in Florida too.”
Engelsperger later laid out a grim vision of the future for planet Earth in the wake of the ‘Boys seven-point victory: “It’ll be a case of vast tsunamis crashing down onto our cities and coastlines and immeasurable earth quakes ripping the globe’s crust into shards. Any humans that do survive may well turn to cannibalism at first as food and water become scarce, but then over the course of the next few months the light will slowly be extinguished on humankind and, in all likelihood, existence as we know it. I sure wish the Saints had won.”
But always optimistic ESPN analyst Ron ‘Jaws’ Jaworski noted there was a definite plus side for the reeling team: “Sure, the sting in the tail would appear to be the end of time and all that,” he commented, “but a win like this sure is a great news for a franchise that has traditionally struggled at the business end of the season.”
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Bush is no bust, says agent
Evolution just a fabrication, says priest
filed by Michael E Lawrence
4/12/2009
Reggie Bush’s agent has hit back at critics who claim the running back has been a bust in his NFL career so far.
“It’s nonsense to say Reggie hasn’t lived up to expectations,” said Joel Segal, speaking by phone from five-star resort St. Moritz, Switzerland, where Segal and his family are vacationing for the winter. The agent negotiated Bush’s $52.5 million rookie deal in 2006.
“You couldn’t ask for more from him as a player and as a person,” continued Segal indistinctly between mouthfuls of what he termed ‘some kick-ass caviar’, “though these quails eggs are a little on the dry side.”
The player representative’s repudiation of Bush’s ostensibly middling skill-set comes hot on the heels of a Yahoo.com report that New Orleans will not invite the back to return to the club for the 2010 season, while personnel men around the league have cited an inability to run inside as a major weakness in the player’s game.
“I don’t know,” grumbled disgruntled guard Carl Nicks, “I’ve seen him run inside plenty. I mean, he’s always the first off the field after practice.”
Bush has been inactive for 11 of his 59 career games.
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Martz high on Trent Edwards
And hallucinogens too, propose observers
filed by Michael E Lawrence
28/11/2009
Former St. Louis Rams’ Head Coach Mike Martz has spoken out in defence of beleaguered Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards, praising the third year passer’s “accuracy and moxie.”
Martz disputed the notion that the unsolicited endorsement was in some way a well-considered ploy to curry favour with Bills’ owner Ralph Wilson, who will be hiring a new football coach after the off-season.
“Heck no, Trent’s just a helluva quarterback,” commented Martz. “I mean golly, I didn’t even realise the Bills had a position open down there until you told me just then. I haven’t given a moment’s thought to resurrecting that once-proud franchise on behalf of the wonderful fans of Buffalo with a powerful, quick-strike attack predicated on setting up the run with the pass. Say, no one’s told Shanahan there’s a job going have they?”
Despite the coach’s insistence he was on the level, controversy erupted later in the session when one reporter suggested Martz ‘obviously had his fingers crossed behind his back’ whenever complementing the Bills’ third year quarterback, an allegation he strongly refuted.
The offensive mastermind brought a close to the session shortly afterwards by pointing to the rear of the room shouting “What on earth is that?” and exiting while everyone’s back was turned.
“It’s ridiculous,” said agent Bob LaMonte, slamming the coach’s critics, “Mike would simply never lie like that. In my experience, he’s far more likely to tug at his left ear lobe or get a tick in his eye.”
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Shock as Belichick claims: we’ll win out from here
Super Bowl pretty much a formality, says coach
filed by Michael E Lawrence
17/11/2009
New England coach Bill Belichick has announced in no uncertain terms that his Patriots will win Super Bowl XLIV, and then some.
The normally tight-lipped coach said in a Tuesday press conference:
“You know what? Screw this one-week at a time stuff. The way I figure it, we’ll beat the crap out of New York this week, show up the Saints the week after, overlook Miami a bit after that, finish strong against some trash teams, whump the rest of the AFC in the playoffs and be home and dry with the Lombardi by Valentine’s. Man it felt good saying that. It’s just a load off my shoulders, you know? Any questions?”
Team observers say the uncharacteristic pronouncement might be symptomatic of shock the legendary coach is still experiencing in the wake of Sunday’s disastrous loss to Indianapolis, where a decision to go for it on a late-game fourth and two domed his team to defeat.
“It’s funny, he hasn’t been the same since then,” said water boy/offensive co-ordinator in waiting Alex Santorino.
“He walked into the locker room muttering something about ‘best interests of team thought we’d get the yard no easy games in the NFL’ and then all of a sudden he really lost it, took a running jump at the water cooler and curled up in the foetal position on the floor for a bit. It was real sad to see.”
Fears for Wesleyan man’s well-being continued after Belichick concluded the press conference with an OHP display of the Patriots latest injury report on acetate, commenting: “What the hey, go for it can everyone see ok?” and drawing smiley faces in felt pen next to the more dubious entries.
He later insisted on leading the assembled media in a heartfelt rendition of Paul Simon’s You Can Call Me Al.
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Big Ben up to old tricks at supporter session
Tenacious QB keeps get-together going with improv.
filed by Michael E Lawrence
13/11/2009
Steelers’ quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was lauded by fans Wednesday after extending an autograph-signing session beyond its pre-planned finish time in the face of fierce pressure.
The quarterback was scheduled to meet and greet members of public for just half an hour Tuesday but kept the session alive for a further two hours by shaking off team officials and finding other autograph hunters available further down the hall.
“He’s a slippery son of a gun,” noted Head of Security Bern Brussels, “he keeps his eyes around the room and uses those powerful legs of his to make a connection with new fans.”
But team officials weren’t quite so happy, noting that Roethlisberger’s propensity to freelance reflected badly on otherwise capable security staff.
“He kind of makes us look bad,” said Brussels, “you really have to stay on your guy a little bit longer just in case Ben gets the urge to wander outside or into the canteen for a Danish or something.”
Offensive co-ordinator Bruce Arians said he was reluctant to rein in his star passer, saying: “You just have to let Ben be Ben. He knows when he needs to go for the big one, sign a replica helmet, say, or a jumbo flag, and when to check it down, just initial a hand towel or a napkin.”
Coach Mike Tomlin also chimed in with high praise, saying: “His handwriting’s real pretty.”
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Concern in Dallas as weeks without controversy mount
Strong team chemistry a growing headache in Texas
filed by Michael E Lawrence
13/11/2009
Tension was rising in Irving, Texas last night as Cowboy officials were forced to admit that little so far had gone wrong with the Cowboys season.
Front office staff and coaches alike expressed increasing worry that no catastrophes had occurred to this point in 2009, dismissing out of hand complaints uttered by receiver Roy E. Williams earlier in the year as ‘disappointingly inconsequential’.
“Roy has really let us down in that department, so what we need now is some kind of major team morale breakdown,” said despairing President Stephen Jones. “I can tell you we’re all getting a little antsy round here waiting for the wheels to fall off. In the past we’ve been able to count on Romo, at least, to put his foot firmly in the dog doo, but so far this year zip.”
With Dallas now safely in first place in the NFC East, hope nonetheless persisted that something might go disastrously wrong at Cowboys HQ sometime soon.
“This is kind of the time when we usually trip up so thankfully we’re not out of the woods yet,” continued Jones.
At press-time the team announced it was urgently scouring the waiver wire for bad eggs and ‘volatile, disrupt the clubhouse type players’ but denied it regretted letting star receiver Terrell Owens go in spring.
“He’s been good as gold in Buffalo,” explained Jones.
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Bob Sanders in new injury disappointment
Colts’ safety brittler than a dried-out autumn twig
filed by Michael E Lawrence
5/11/2009
Colts All Pro safety Bob Sanders suffered another injury setback Wednesday when the big-hitter tore his ACL while napping on the couch.
“I was just having a very pleasant dream about several of the members of the Pussycat Dolls when, wham, I heard a pop,” he told reporters.
But Sanders who has played in only six games since 2008 denied he was worthy of the ‘injury prone’ tag, noting angrily: “It’s total BS. Ok, so I pull a hamstring last week doing dishes, and fine, I fracture a fibula the week before switching channels on the remote, and, granted, I twist an ankle while I was flossing before bed the other night, but does that make me injury prone?”
Sanders was informed quietly by on-hand Colts PR staff that, in fact, it did.
“Ah, I see,” retorted the former Iowa Hawkeye. “Actually, I think I just felt something go in my back.”
The rangy centre-fielder also suffered a concussion and dislocated an index finger when he was grazed by a microphone boom. He will be out six to eight weeks.
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Zorn stripped of further power
But ‘Skins coach vows: I’m still in charge
filed by Michael E Lawrence
15/10/2009
Things went from bad to worse for Redskins head coach Jim Zorn Wednesday after owner Dan Snyder ruled newly-crowned offensive playcaller Sherman Lewis would also take legal ownership of the name ‘Jim Zorn’ and move into the holdover coach’s plush Washington home.
Zorn’s name will be legally changed to Joey Pulutznikoff with immediate effect and the ex-Seahawks co-ordinator will operate out of the Last Hope Motel, DC for the remainder of the season.
“This move will help me to focus all my attention on turning this team around,” noted the newly named Pulutznikoff. “I couldn’t be happier about it, though I’ll need to ask Mr. Snyder to make some improvements to my working environment. There’s obviously been a mix-up because there’s no working telephone connection here at all.”
Long-time motel owner Dooley McPherson was reluctant to admit he was star-struck by his high profile resident. “A coach? The sniffly guy in 22? There ain’t even a mattress in there, not a clean one anyways. And I’m telling you, he’s gonna have to fight the roaches for the complimentary breakfast some of those bugs are big suckers.”
Asked if he felt he was being usurped, coach Pulutznikoff was defiant: “Of course not. You’d need to give someone more than a name and some bricks to slip one past Jim Zorn, uh, Joey Pulutznikoff.”
At press-time Redskins owner Daniel Snyder was reported to be “working tirelessly” to find out precisely what.
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JaMarcus: I was overweight
Pope: I am Catholic
filed by Michael E Lawrence
15/10/2009
Raiders’ quarterback JaMarcus Russell stunned the NFL Tuesday, acknowledging that off-season reports claiming he was overweight had been accurate all along.
In a tearful expose, the third year passer sensationally admitted he had:
-
Ballooned to 275 lbs.
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Concealed pasta salad and Oreo cookies in gameballs
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Tried, on several occasions, to throw out cupboards full of comfort snacks in a last ditch attempt to shed weight
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Missed the bin by several yards each time
Asked if the lost opportunity to step up as a Raiders leader was eating away at him, a visibly emotional Russell replied: “Yes, it does, it really does.”
“But not to the degree the guy’s actually losing any weight,” noted Raiders strength and conditioning supremo Brad Roll.
The third year passer was later reported to be finding solace in a family pack of Twinkies and “a couple of Sloppy Joes.”
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Bills rethink offense at last
Troubled Bills’ passing attack to be revolutionized for week six
filed by Michael E Lawrence
15/10/2009
The Buffalo Bills’ forward thinking coaching staff will go back to the future Sunday, scrapping their team’s impotent no-huddle attack and unveiling a brand new offensive philosophy.
Famously conservative coach Dick Jauron acknowledged there might be some growing pains along the way but sounded confident about the Bills’ new identity:
“We’re delighted to have Trent Edwards at quarterback but it’s high time we adapted our scheme to fit what he does best. With that in mind we’ve decided to take this faddish forward pass thing completely out of our playbook.”
Starting Sunday, Jauron and rookie offensive co-ordinator Alex Van Pelt will shut down the passing portion of Buffalo’s attack, concentrating instead on running plays from the wishbone formation.
“Trent is a real good hander-offer guy most of the time. Real good,” said offensive whiz Van Pelt. “If he can cut down on the ball handling issues he’ll be pretty much complete in that area.”
Concerned receivers Terrell Owens and Lee Evans positioned originally to be the dual centrepiece of the Bills attack have reportedly been re-assured there are still roles for them within the Buffalo organisation.
“After all, that grass field don’t just cut itself,” said head groundsman Willie Baumgartner.
Elsewhere on the East Coast, the Bills’ AFC East opponents appeared to be responding with bafflement to the move.
“I had no idea they had a pausing game to shut down,” noted a bewildered Tony Sparano of the Dolphins in a published statement.
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Favre celebrates 40th birthday in winning fashion
Gunslinger shows no quit at birthday tea party
filed by Michael E Lawrence
8/10/2009
Quarterbacking legend Brett Favre got early celebrations for his 40th birthday off to a flying start Thursday, winning a game of Simon Says in dramatic fashions despite an early deficit.
“I knew that there was still time and I just had to keep fighting,” said a visibly triumphant Favre in the wake of defeating fierce rival Jesse Olkewicz, aged five.
Adorned in a polka-dotted pointy hat, the signal-caller continued: “It wasn’t about revenge, it was just about securing the win.”
Local boy Olkewicz who famously beat Favre in a hotly contested round of musical chairs earlier in the party was said to be “in tears” following Favre’s last ditch winning effort. He was told he could take home a slice of cake if he liked but, reported the child’s agent, he declined.
“Jesse did real good job in following as many of the commands as he could, and he was definitely ahead,” said Favre, “but in this game you’ve got to keep at it right up until it’s home time. DeAnna told me: ‘Brett, for God’s sake let the kid win, he’s only five’, but I know she was just inspiring me to push harder.”
It marked the 36th time Favre had orchestrated a come-from-behind party game victory, drawing him level with Blind Man’s Bluff-addict John Elway for third all-time.
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Edwards: my deep ball hell
Bills QB comes clean on problems throwing downfield
filed by Michael E Lawrence
30/9/2009
Bills gunslinger Trent Edwards came clean about his downfield passing woes last night, revealing he has an actual allergy to throwing deep.
“It’s like feeding a Snickers bar to someone who’s got a problem with peanuts,” said the quarterback, who noted that he is likely to enter a state of anaphylactic shock should he attempt a pass of more than eight yards.
“My skin goes puffy and I pass out if I even try it,” added Edwards, whose 6.6 YPA ranks him nineteenth among NFL quarterbacks.
Team sources say the Stanford product had to be brought round with smelling salts following a surprise 32-yard touchdown pass to speed threat Lee Evans in week two, the wide receiver’s only catch of the game.
“I was just mulling around at the goal line really, doing a bit of weeding,” noted Evans, “and then I saw the ball coming my way. It was all I could do to remember I was supposed to catch it. You have to commend Trent for his bravery in throwing it at all.”
In a side note, Evans’ running mate Terrell Owens has reportedly taken to running deep routes equipped with a collapsible chair, a flask of tea and a cryptic crossword book.
“Gives me something to do when I get down there,” noted the playmaker.
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Haley presses on with motivational mind-games
Chiefs’ coach to make himself inactive for week four
filed by Michael E Lawrence
29/9/2009
Chief’s mastermind Todd Haley sent himself a clear message that nobody’s job is safe this week when the button-pushing coach announced he will make himself inactive against the Giants.
In the latest in a string of daring ploys designed to motivate his struggling squad, the ex-Cardinals co-ordinator will spend Sunday firmly on the bench, or possibly asleep on the couch. The rookie coach has already demoted starters Dwayne Bowe, Derrick Johnson and Mark Bradley and deactivated key contributor Jamaal Charles so far in 2009.
“Looking at my performance,” said Haley, “it’s just not good enough and I need to be aware that this team is only as strong as its weakest link. If I think I can get away with the kind of slovenly play-calling and poor decision making that has characterised my tenure so far, well sir, I’ve got another thing coming.
“Let’s hope I really learn from this lesson.”
In his absence, team mascot KC Wolf will call the offensive plays Sunday. Team observers expect a heavy dose of chaotic slapstick shenanigans and body-popping dance routines.
“We’re just excited to get some fresh ideas,” said running back Larry Johnson.
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Delhomme vows to beat interception bug
Panther QB couldn’t hit barn door with shovel
filed by Michael E Lawrence
17/9/2009
Under-fire Jake Delhomme is set to return to Pro Bowl form by tweaking his passing mechanics for the better.
“What it is,” noted Delhomme, “is I thought I might start throwing it underarm.”
Delhomme has been a turnover machine for Carolina in his last two games, tossing nine interceptions and losing the VCR remote at halftime on several occasions.
“I’m putting all that behind me,” he continued, “and the only thing I’ll be turning over from now on is a new leaf. Say, have you seen my hat anywhere?”
Bookies have slashed the Panthers’ odds of winning the Super Bowl to 80-1.
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McKelvin in more hot water
CB can’t stop returning things
filed by Michael E Lawrence
15/9/2009
Bills’ scapegoat Leodis McKelvin was courting more controversy this morning after it emerged the second year cornerback is addicted to unnecessarily returning all kinds of things including cold calls, non-rental DVDs and, during tennis games, errant serves.
Doesn’t matter if they’re out, commented McKelvin’s former doubles partner Stephanie Peebles, he returns ’em regardless.
Buffalo resident and downtown Blockbuster Video store-owner Wally Jefferson said: Oh yeah, McKelvin’s always in here trying to return stuff. Sometimes he stands outside the front and asks other customers if he can bring their films in for them. One time we found him actually trying to climb through the after hours return-box when we were closed. He’s a determined little fella.
Speaking anonymously, a Bills source also noted McKelvin often orders items from catalogues, purely for the thrill of returning them via mail at a later date.
He gets this crazy look in his eye when you tell him there’s a no returns policy on certain items, noted the source.
It was the exact same look he got when we were screaming at him to take a knee in New England’s end zone. There’s just no telling him, you know?
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Giants: The Reins Are Off Manning
Coughlin: Now We Can’t Find Him
filed by Michael E Lawrence
23/1/2008
New York Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin last night told the assembled Manhattan media: “The reins are off Eli.”
But journalists were advised the coach was in no way being metaphorical.
“Meta-what? You idiots, I’m serious! We tied him up to the goal post in his training walker and somehow he just slipped out of there. We’ve plain lost him”
Last night New Jersey was on a state of red alert, as residents were warned the younger Manning was at large and potentially at risk.
“I mean, he’s choked before,” noted a team official.
At press-time, upset linebacker Antonio Pierce was blaming himself, saying:
“He said he’d take his ball home if we didn’t play fair, but we just didn’t listen, we just didn’t listen.”
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Angry Rivers Hits Back at ‘B.A.’ Rap
Pities the Fools Who Question Demeanour
filed by Michael E Lawrence
21/1/2008
San Diego gunslinger Phil Rivers angrily denied he had a bad attitude in the wake of Sunday’s playoff loss at New England.
“It’s ridiculous,” he said, while flipping the bird to a passing school bus.
“I am not a trash-talking adolescent, and smart as I am, I should know, cheesewad,” he added.
At press-time close friend Murdoch was said to be distracting Rivers with high jinks while Faceman slipped tranquiliser into his coa coa.
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Belichick In Video Recording Controversy
Sets VCR to record Simpsons, Lost, Corrie
filed by Michael E Lawrence
14/9/2007
Formidable Patriots’ Head Coach Bill Belichick was caught up in a whirlwind of controversy last night after the New York Jets made an official complaint to the NFL office concerning his use of VCR recording equipment.
“It’s clear to us that Belichick has been recording both daytime and primetime television broadcasts for some time now,” commented an unnamed Jets source. “What we can’t figure out is why he doesn’t just buy a DVD player.”
The Jets pointed out that in conversation Belichick often seemed well versed in television shows that aired on Sundays, when Belichick was clearly working the sidelines of Patriots pre- and regular season games.
“Something’s not right,” commented Jets’ coach Eric Mangini. “How can he be so up on what’s happening in Eastenders when he’s out coaching at the same time the omnibus is on?”
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Kitna: Lions will win 10 games in ’07
Pig: I flew
filed by Michael E Lawrence
3/9/2007
Emboldened by an off season of big name acquisitions, Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna informed reporters Monday the Lions would win 10 games in the 2007 regular season and make the playoffs.
Lions doctors confirmed the player was not suffering a concussion.
Everything’s in place for a run at the title, said Kitna, presumably referring to a secret Mafioso plot to do away with the other 31 NFL teams.
Head Coach Rod Marinelli later tempered expectations.
It’s great to have the team believe in itself and to hear that confidence, but we still have a ways to go, commented Marinelli, presumably referring to a complete paucity of talent on both sides of the ball.
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Leftwich shocker: I took part in dog walking
Leads, stuffed toys found at raided player’s home
filed by Michael E Lawrence
1/9/2007
The NFL world was rocked last night when mild-mannered Jacksonville quarterback Byron Leftwich sensationally admitted to being part of a dog walking ring.
Leftwich admitted he had:
– Walked his neighbour’s dog on an ongoing basis
– Considered buying a dog himself, before thinking better of it because of the mess
– Thrown tennis balls in order that the dog could play fetch
– Underthrown him repeatedly
A distraught Leftwich was forced to offer a public apology after locals had spotted the 6th year pro posting flyers for a dog walking service run from his Jacksonville, Fla. home.
I know it was wrong, but I guess it was just a thrill to throw the ball up there and have a real chance of it being caught for a change, a tearful Leftwich concluded.
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Dungy Eats Donuts
Dungy: I’m just taking it one bite at a time
filed by Michael E Lawrence
29/8/2007
Ultra-methodical Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy worked his way through a 12 pack of Crispy Crme donuts Thursday, but vowed: I’m not looking ahead to the coffee.
Dungy took it one donut at a time as he polished off the variety pack, but noted that he assumed nothing would be easy from start to finish.
Said Dungy:
Everyone told me the triple chocolate is the big one, that’s the donut you’ve got to go for, that’ll take some chewing, but I wasn’t prepared to look past the single chocolate or even the jelly-filled, let alone the lemon zest. Those donuts can repeat on you if you’re not careful. It’s important to approach each one the same and with exactly the same level of mastication.
There were concerns last night in Indianapolis as Dungy was rumoured to be considering tucking into a pack of Digestive biscuits.
We could be here all week, noted an insider.
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Vick: I am not a gambler
filed by Michael E Lawrence
13/8/2007
Under fire Atlanta Falcon quarterback was deflecting more hot water last night as he dismissed allegations he was involved in a gambling ring, including punts on this year’s Championship game between Indianapolis and Chicago.
C’mon, noted Vick, why would I bet on that game? Did you see the spread?
Spoofle News Feed
JOHNSON DEFEATS HORSE IN FOOTRACE
HORSE: I WAS JIPPED
filed by Michael E Lawrence
29/5/2007
Chad Johson outpaced racehorse Restore the Roar in a foot race last week, but the defeated party was not happy about it, calling foul to the media Tuesday.
Speaking through Ohio based horse whisperer Rod Nostra, Roar said:
The whole thing was a crock he was halfway to Indiana before they let me get started. Give me a fair shot at that biped and I’d whup him good. I’d ocho kicko his ass. Say you got any nosebag?
Johnson was spotted a 100 yard head start in the race.
Nostra said Roar also predicted this week’s winning lotto numbers would be 6, 32, 45 and 48, and that humankind would encounter intelligent alien life within the next decade.
He has remarkable insight, said Nostra.
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GOODELL BANS THE BOOZE
BENGALS SHAKEN BUT UNSTIRRED
filed by Michael E Lawrence
29/5/2007
Unnoticed by the media at large last week was first-term Commissioner Roger Goodell’s decision to ban alcohol on NFL team buses and flights, extending a pre-exisiting ban on alcohol in locker rooms.
But NFL badboys the Cincinnati Bengals took the news hard, downing it with a slice of lemon and just a pinch of salt.
It’s banned in locker rooms? commented visibly deflated Bengal wide receiver Chris Henry, You’re telling me that thing’s a water cooler?
Moving forward, NFL teams will no longer be allowed to serve alcoholic beverages on all journeys and team functions. The rule will apply to players, coaches and owners alike.
Citing motivational issues, Las Vegas bookmakers have since tripled the Bengals odds of winning Super Bowl XLII.
I mean, what kind of a party would it be? posed a Vegas insider.
At presstime, Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis was said to be exploring alternative travel arrangements for away games.
There’s nothing in there about walking, noted Lewis.
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BROWNS HALT QUINN’S PLUMMET
Rookie deals with disappointment
filed by Michael E Lawrence
30/4/2007
Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn’s dreams were shattered in a very public forum Saturday, when Cleveland dealt up with Dallas to select the passer 22nd overall, and with it ruin a decent shot at becoming the 2007 draft’s Mr. Irrelevant.
A disconsolate Quinn had been visibly relaxed and content as team after team passed on him in the draft’s opening stanza, only for Browns’ General Manager Phil Savage to swoop in and tab the passer. Bravely, Quinn walked on stage with a Browns jersey and mugged for cameras, but the heartbreak was visible for all to see.
Said Fightng Irish fan and draft attendee Charles Wieszelstrom, “It’s just terrible. I mean, the kid did everything he could – missing open receivers, taking sacks – you name it. He couldn’t have played any worse against LSU if he tried.”
For Quinn and agent Tom Condon, it’s back to the drawing board, as both watched surefire minicamp fodder CB Ramzee Robinson get picked at 334. Robinson will do the dinner talk circuit and visit Disneyland this Summer.
“Obviously, I’ll suck it up and do all I can to perform at the level I’ve performed when it really counts,” said Quinn, whose selection by the Browns, 30-67 since its renaissance as an NFL franchise in 1999, at least goes some way to making that outcome more likely.
At press-time, Quinn, keen to blow the cobwebs off, was rumoured to be borrowing TE Kellen Winslow’s bike.
